She doesn’t love me. She never has, and never will. I know that, because I’m a monster. I just wish she’d admit it. But in the same token, I don’t want her to admit it. She’s the closest I’ve had to a lover. No, not the sexual kind. The kind that shares love with you- the kind that you can tell anything to. The kind that will stay with you forever. I’m at a...
I exist in two places, here and where you are.– Margaret Atwood, Selected Poems (1965-1975)
My mom is making me sleep in her bed tonight, which means a whole new set of sights that were seen when the lights went off. As we were going to bed, my little brother (aged 7) says to me, “Nick, if you see or hear anything, wake me up. Just tap me.” That made me feel so.. Cared about. Loved, even. He’s so young, but he actually gets that I’m.. Crazy. And he accepts it- and treats me no different...
My mom came storming into my room as I was trying to stop myself from crying, and I was staring blankly at the ceiling. After a lot of lecture and crying, I broke down. I told her about the hallucinations, and showed her my leg (where I had just relapsed.) I was so scared of her reaction, which is why I tried hiding this from her, why I had stopped taking my meds, thinking I could fix this on my...
I’m so afraid to shut my light and try to fall asleep.. That’s when I see things.. That’s when I hear them.. Everyone in my house is sleeping (nor are they aware of what I’ve been going through recently) and my “lover, if you will”/baby/not-a-label/the-perfect-human-being-I-love went offline and her phone is dead.. Speaking of her, I fucked up so bad tonight. I will never forgive myself for...
nosdrinker: at least i can admit i’m a piece of shit
Okay so she said she would wake up if I needed her and I told myself I wouldn’t wake her but I do need her because I’m seeing/hearing things even though I hate to admit that and I am so fucking scared right now…
I hate when people tell me that I’m “doing this” to myself. Like, yeah, okay, I am totally choosing to feel like shit all of the time, to hate myself, to hear voices, and now I’m fucking seeing things, too. Like there’s seriously something wrong with me and it’s scaring me shitless. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been hospitalized so many...
svveetlemonade: i wish i lost weight as fast as i lose motivation
how do i uninstall anxiety
People constantly enter my life, then leave, ever so suddenly. Oh, how I wish they would take with them the pain they have left behind.
Is it normal/common for one to block out a memory so much that they actually forget it for years? Something strange and uncomfortable happened to me when I was younger, then I had blocked it out, and honestly forgotten about it until last week. It took 9 years for me to remember/unblock the event. Is this weird/unheard of?
Me, Myself, and I
On Friday I was interviewed for another partial hospitalization program at a children’s psychiatric center. My mom, the head honcho of my school district, and I had to attend. We all went in individually, then as a group. First, the school guy went in. He didn’t know me personally, so I’m not sure what they wanted from him at first. But he’s the one who decides the funding...
I think I was given skin not only to harbor my muscles, my bones and my blood, but also to give me the chance to tear at, stretch, and grow hair on. This body that engulfs my mind, although it is not mine, is here throughout my existence, so I, as its caretaker, should cherish it, and heal its wounds, no matter what causes them. I write this, as I pick at scabs caused by self harm, and I realize,...